so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
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i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
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the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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