i was rollin on her like bob the builder
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
