My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
