one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
