me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
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just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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