her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
