THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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