Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
