I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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