why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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