Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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