I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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