Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
