well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
