watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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