You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
