hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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