well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
