i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
