she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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