she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
