He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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