I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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