Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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