WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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