i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
