I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
