why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
