just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
