I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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