Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
