it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
