I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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