I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we have pet lesbian snakes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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