did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
