and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
