She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
