just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
