I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
