I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
