He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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