I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel