she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
