We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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