When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
