I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
