He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
