Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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