yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
