so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
don't judge my taste in strippers
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
