bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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