I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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