so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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