My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
