Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
