i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
