When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
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Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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