i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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