I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
