Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
