On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
