Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
