Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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