You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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