Where are you?
In a non slutty way
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
